Get Mongrel Certified!
I'm not one to be overpowered by the great ideas of other open source projects. But, the second I smell cash to be had from hapless tools using my software I am THERE! Once I read the CakePHP Certification plans I thought, "Holy crap, I could make more money than Don King's ring finger doing that!"
After much deliberation with absolutely nobody, I am proud to announce the official Mongrel Ultimate Deployment Certified Rails Aptitude Program(tm)(sm)(patent pending).
The only certification you need to get that cushy job making developers beg you for system administration services while you surf porn instead of doing your real job. Nothing says "professionalism" more than having MUDCRAP-CE after your name.
Start now and even you could append up to *nine* (yes nine!) letters after your name and get a guaranteed pay raise or that great job without know *anything* other than how to tell other people how to pronounce your particular certification acronym.
Prices are also very high, since your manager knows that the cost of a certification program directly relates to its quality. The more you spend the more you show management that you're a team player. No, a MUDCRAP Team Player!
How To Get That Cert!
MUDCRAP certification involves intensive training courses from me (Zed A. Shaw) the creator of Mongrel. I am only available at specific conferences and will only teach a select chosen few MUDCRAPers per conference. Each set of courses trains the prospective MUDCRAPer in:
- Defending your job with claims of "security", "scalability", and "capability" just like the Enterprise guys.
- Inventing performance numbers for fun and profit. Nothing lies better than complex well crafted statistics. Learn to use them to compete with other people's fake statistics.
- Using the new OSX virtual desktop features to hide your chosen fetish porn while you work.
- Inventing your very own security policies to do even less work. Management has entrusted you with managing the systems, and that means you get to set the policies everyone follows. Use this power to make your life easier.
- Avoiding automating your system administration job so that you always have something to pretend working on.
- Blaming developers for your mistakes. EXTRA This course now covers using complex permissioning systems and shared directories to "protect" your servers from the developers while actually only protecting your job.
- Unlearning everything you probably didn't know about Configuration Management and collaboration. Nobody needs you to cooperate when you're the king of the kingdom.
And this is just a few of the great lessons awaiting you in these wonderful classes.
